How we approach confrontation impacts our relationships.“If your fellow believer sins against you, go and tell him in private what he did wrong. If he listens to you, you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again. But if he refuses to listen, go to him again and take one or two other people with you. Every case may be proved by two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen to the church, then treat him like a person who does not believe in God or like a tax collector. I tell you the truth, the things you don't allow on earth will be the things God does not allow. And the things you allow on earth will be the things that God allows. Also, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about something and pray for it, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. This is true because if two or three people come together in my name, I am there with them.” - Matthew 18:15-20 (NCV)
These verses give us instructions on how to deal with believers who have sinned against us, but I believe it’s an excellent model to use with any confrontation. Let’s take a look more closely. What is the first step?
Hhmm. I don’t see anything in there about going to other people and sharing what happened and stirring up irritation among many to make yourself feel better, which we often do under the guise of “godly counsel.” Please don’t misunderstand me. I completely support getting godly counsel, but godly counsel is…counsel that is godly, which means it has pure motives. Godly advice is private, not secretive. Godly advice is truth-seeking, not affirmation-seeking. Godly advice results in being held accountable for godly behavior, not being supported for what “feels good” or “makes sense.”
Back to Matthew 18:15-20, which says we’re to go and tell him in private what he did wrong. We’re not to ambush someone. We’re not to publicly declare the offense, which means we can’t gossip about it either. We’re to meet with the person one-on-one and share the problem. In this case, it’s an offense, but if you consider this model for any confrontational situation, you might be pointing out a miscommunication, hurt feelings, unfulfilled commitment, etc. You need to be clear but also not expect the issue to be resolved immediately. The other person might not be aware of the issue. They can’t read your mind…and you can’t read theirs and assume they knew exactly what was happening and why you’re approaching them.
Back to Matthew 18:15-20, which says we’re to go and tell him in private what he did wrong. We’re not to ambush someone. We’re not to publicly declare the offense, which means we can’t gossip about it either. We’re to meet with the person one-on-one and share the problem. In this case, it’s an offense, but if you consider this model for any confrontational situation, you might be pointing out a miscommunication, hurt feelings, unfulfilled commitment, etc. You need to be clear but also not expect the issue to be resolved immediately. The other person might not be aware of the issue. They can’t read your mind…and you can’t read theirs and assume they knew exactly what was happening and why you’re approaching them.
Here’s a general rule I use. Have you stewed about this for weeks, months, or years? It’s not the person’s fault you’ve waited that long. If you’ve had the benefit of processing an issue for some time, give the other person at least that same amount of time to process what you bring to them. It’s not their fault you’ve stewed about for an extended period of time. You’ve likely damaged yourself in the process and will potentially damage the other person with the way you bring the issue to them, because with that much “simmering,” it’s very difficult to approach someone with a pure motive of making peace. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t sometimes pause before confronting someone, but a brief pause to insure you’re in God’s will and an extended time to become bitter are two very different things.
If that approach doesn’t work, what’s our next step?
"Witnesses” are not your best friends who are going to side with you and gang up on the person you’re confronting. They are people who will be able to support the situation and bear witness to what is said and done in case further action needs to be taken. When asking someone to be a witness for you, choose godly counsel. When you’re chosen to be a witness, accept your role with wisdom and humility.
Please keep the remainder of these verses in the specific context in which they’re intended: confrontation of a fellow believer who has sinned. Avoid making a hasty generalization that if your friend doesn’t “come clean” and admit to all wrongdoing in your relationship that you need to banish her from your life. If the relationship is unhealthy, you certainly need to put some distance between you and her, and you may have to temporarily place some distance between the two of you for a season because of the hurt or betrayal. But our goal is always to reconcile relationships when possible. And that takes honesty, humility and forgiveness.
These verses are followed by two more very important verses to consider when confronting someone: Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, when my fellow believer sins against me, how many times must I forgive him? Should I forgive him as many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, you must forgive him more than seven times. You must forgive him even if he wrongs you seventy times seven.” Matthew 18: 21-22
